Consuming Emmy Gold Enamling Linked To Hair Loss

Another Emmy will hopefully translate into more roles in box office poison, meaning more money for Jeremy Piven and subsequently Bosley Medical hair restoration specialists.

To be fair, Piven's hairline is not actually receding. His forehead is just stretching to accomodate his ego.

Thoughts for the day

I like to qualify an insult with something nice. "Man, you really suck ass at your job, but in a good way."

Somedays, it's not even worth getting out of bed in the morning. Quadriplegics have a lot of those.

Some people I just can't stand. Again, this is mostly about quadriplegics. And even then sometimes I can stand them with a couple of boards and a nail gun.

Before I understood the meaning of 'racist' I thought it meant people who really, really like watching NASCAR competitions. And now, after looking up the word in a dictionary I still think I was pretty close.

If I learned one thing in graduate school... I really didn't make the most of it.

I don't know why people hate blind dates so much. I guess it's having to take the dog everywhere.

I don't understand rap music concerts. Someone is speaking while someone else plays a record in the background. It just seems to me that this DJ fella is being disrespectful of the guy who's trying to talk.

People say that God laughs when we make plans. Well, laugh all you want you prick. At least I exist.

I think that our voting process is prejudiced against people with claustrophobia.

If I coud marry anyone living or dead, I would probably pick someone living.

I like the idea of the "charity fuck." When I was a kid we had to collect for Unicef.

What's Sadder at a Circus than Sad Clowns?

NBC found a new low in celeb-reality television last week airing episode one of "Celebrity Circus." Where the old "Circus of the Stars" shows from the seventies could use that title because there were actually people with careers appearing, this program makes no such claims. It only infers that these people are recognizable (mostly from other celebrity contest shows.)

Former model Rachel Hunter will most likely win if breast size or a personal history of blowing famous guys figures into voting, though dark horse Antonio Sabato Jr. can't be counted out on either.





These brave folks all will attempt to perform Big Top style acts then have their performances judged and voted on "Idol"-style. First prize is a shred of human dignity.


Originally, they were supposed to get more than a shred but producers were afraid that like severely malnourished Ethiopian children when first given real food by Oxfam workers, these people could die if given too much as they have been without it for most of their lives.


It's suprising to me that for years the ASPCA railed against the cruelty and indignity that animals were made to suffer at the hands of unscrupulous circus trainers in order to perform, yet no one has stepped in to stop these people's agents from doing whatever it is they have to do to keep convincing these folks that they have talent and/or salvagable careers.


Though this show is pretty low on the food chain, Fox is already working on something to match it and go a few rungs lower. Look for "So You Think You Can Fart?," "Are You More Emotionally Developed Than A Porn Star?," and "Celebrity Bukakke Challenge" next fall.

"Now Serving Number Four?"

Pamela Anderson Lee- Rock- Soloman- TBD? has just divorced the third man in her quest to work all the way down Hollywood's list of highest risk blood donors. She was granted an annlument of her two month vagina-rental to former Paris Hilton videographer, Rick Soloman. Anderson requested the annulment on the grounds of fraud. What said fraud was has not been disclosed but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with Rick promising to "Love, honor and respect her acting ability."

Soloman is of course, best known for being both the penis from Paris Hilton's sex tape and the dick who sold it. Who would have thought that this marriage made in celebrity sex scandal heaven would implode so quickly? Well, everyone apparently but Pam and well, me. I had it lasting twelve weeks in the office pool.

To Anderson's credit, although she sees her divorce attorneys more often than her feet, she is getting better in her choice of men. She has gone from marrying a rich, sleazy, drunk guy who beats her up, to a rich, sleazy, drunk guy who beats up other people, to now a rich, sleazy, drunk guy who only video tapes sex with girlfriends and sells it on the internet so he can be richer and sleazier. All anyone can do is learn from their mistakes. I predict that within three more marriages she will have found a nice, normal, rich guy who just wants her to occasionally have sex with wealthy Asian business clients. But that’s me. I’m a romantic.

Winona Ryder Steals More than Our Hearts... Again

Winona Ryder was caught trying to shoplift makeup from a Hollywood pharmacy this week. The items were returned and the store declined to press charges, proving that Winona literally can't get arrested in Hollywood anymore. Not finished yet, Ryder later the same day was suspected of trying to leave CAA with a career in her purse however when security was asked by police for a description they, like the rest of Hollywood, could not really remember what she looked like.

"Danthing Wit Dah Stahth"

Dancing with the Stars has featured Heather Mills, a one legged woman, Marlee Matlin, a profoundly deaf woman and of course Lisa Rinna who was born with a severely under developed sense of shame. Is it me or is this show quickly becoming the Special Olympics of televised celebrity competitions?

Perhaps next year we will see one of the female dance partners sexily slinking to a to a spicy salsa beat while deftly avoiding the puddles of drool that the retarded kid from "Life Goes on" has left on the dance floor. Or if the stars align just right, maybe Michael J. Fox will go off his meds long enough to bust out some involuntary break dancing moves.

I know that was sick and cruel, but I guess that's my point. Is it really that entertaining to watch this or simply a sick fascination? Have we sunk so low as a society that we really enjoy tuning in to watch people struggle at things they clearly were not meant to do? What's next? Playmate week on Jeopardy? Maybe, "NBA Spelling Bee." Another Bonnie Hunt sitcom?

"Starvation is Totally Hot"

Paris Hilton, on tour with her boyfriend Benji's band Good Charlotte, decided to show her humanitarian side by stopping at a South African orphanage long enough to pass out glossy promotional bikini photos of herself to the empoverished waifs. She visited with the children and offered sage wisdom telling one malnourished five year old "You are totally the perfect weight right now but watch the gruel. Those Red Cross dudes are totally pushing carbs." Comforting another child so sick that she could not even keep food down Hilton told her "I know it doesn't feel like it now, but if you live to be a teenager you are going to realize how totally lucky you are." I smell a premise: "Simple Life- Ethiopia."

Hollywood Actresses Get Slightly Less Plastic

A company called "Pipedream Products" has introduced a line of celebrity blow-up love dolls featuring likenesses of Eva Longoria, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Pamela Anderson, J Lo, Paris Hilton, Tori Spelling and Christina Aguilera. The owner of the company apparently got the idea for the plastic dolls after watching Alba's perfomance in "Good Luck Chuck." He said " I saw what she was doing on screen and thought, 'I can make an injection molded product that can convey more convincing emotion than that.' So, he did.

The hottest selling item? The Pamela Anderson toy that appears to be doing very brisk sales at Guitar Center. One salesman commented on why they carry the blow-up likeness of Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels and Kid Rock's former squeeze. "We sell training books and metronomes to help them practice what you you do to become a famous. These dolls will help them practice for what you're doing when your not famous anymore."

Perhaps the most interesting of the dolls is the "Sarah Jessica Porkher" which promises "Sex in the Shitty." Because the doll not only looks like Sarah Jessica Parker but it comes accessorized with a Blow-up closeted, broadway star husband for her to go back to when your done.

Plans are in the works to release a life size dolls of Lara Flynn Boyle and Mary Kate Olsen that would not require inflation at all.

Exhibit 'A' From Britney's Custody Battle Leaked

Batman Spoiler Alert!

In light of actor Heath Ledger's tragic passing, Warner Bros. and director Chris Nolan have to do some quick editing and clever re-shoots. It seems that in the original ending for the upcoming "Dark Knight," Batman saves himself from the Joker by reaching into his utility belt and pulling out a lethal dose of sleeping pills.

First Scientology oriented Rap CD Emerges.

The album, "Xenu is my Homeboy" is the alien brainchild of rapper, actor and born again Scientologist, Will Smith. Some of the track titles include "Libel Suit- Fixin' to Lit2G8," "Suppressives Just Don't Understand" and "Kickin' It Like L. Ron DMC."

In a related story, Smith now alleges that his "Men in Black" movies depict anti-alien hate crimes.

Ellen Dengeneres' UFO Experience

Recently, on her wildly condoned daytime chat show Ellen D shared the details of her own personal Texas UFO sighting. But until today it was not known that she was abducted as well. Apparently, the teenage Ellen was mistaken for one of their own by a group of stammering aliens from a planet populated by cuddly, red state-friendly lesbians who gain nutrition through sniffing eybrow dandruff.

Here is a shocking photo of her with one of her captors:





According to secret government sources Ellen got off lucky, as many abducted by these aliens wake up in cornfields to find themselves impregnated with David Crosby's sperm.

"Cloverfield" Monster Revealed

Footage from the cutting room floor of the hit POV style monster crapfest "Cloverfield" hit the internet today. Some say keeping the audience from actually seeing the monster makes a movie scarier but in this case I have to disagree. You be the judge.

When asked for comment, Ms. Barr said that the clips of her eating downtown Manhattan were removed by the producers at her request as they had been taken without her permission from home movies.

New Hollywood Diet Trend

Paris enjoys the raw bar at a hip, new Korean restaurant.

Somebody Call "Dateline NBC"

"So, there's this priest I think you would totally hit it off with...."

Eddie says down-low sex is "Otay!"

Hey, Eddie? What does your favorite part of "close friend" Johnny Gill look like?

In other Murphy news, Eddie is going to try to use his fading dramatic cache from "Dreamgirls" to star in a dark new WWII drama about black prisoners in Auschwitz that he has personally written. He has tentatively titled it "Daddy Death Camp."

Thoughts for the Day

Since dogs can hear frequencies that we cannot, do not scold your dog when he ignores you calling him. He may be right in the middle of a wicked fascinating radio talk show.

If you can kiss on the first or second date, and have intercourse on date three... how long do you have to wait until it's acceptable to start fist-fucking with boxing gloves?

How ironic is it that a dude from "Prison Break" is going to jail? It would be even more ironic if the accident happened in West Hollywood and he was on a a show called "Forcible Man on Man Anal Sex." Well, perhaps he can get some ideas for that pilot in jail.

They say that cancer is God's way of telling you to "slow down." They also say that tragedy is God's way of asking you how strong your faith is. If that's true, I think that third degree burns in your colon are God's way of saying "Curling irons weren't meant for that."

In Los Angeles, when your register to vote you can now opt between being on a list of automated selections for jury duty or appearing on a reality show hosted by Ant.

Thought for the day 03/01/07

Jesus loves you and is watching over you.
And sometimes he's masturbating.

Thought for the Day 1/11/07

"Religion is a security blanket. No longer needing one to get through your day is an important part of growing up."

I believe that being raised in a faith is useful. It gives children a sense of order and justice in the universe, something to cling to. It also helps teach the basics like the golden rule and rights and wrongs. So, in this sense religion is kinda like training wheels for being a responsible, moral human being.

In today's world of single parent homes and two career households, the Mom's and the Dad's aren't always there to teach the big lessons and make sure the kids are getting them straight. That's why it's good to a have a study book like a bible where all the stuff is written down. But like in school, the books can be wrong or the answers controverted by new scientific data. Eventually, you have to cast them aside.

Wow, the analogies are really piling up around here.

My point is that we (America) have spent hundreds of billions of dollars and taken hundreds of thousands of lives in recent years fighting people who can't accept anything that controverts what their religions have taught them. We have a President who's core grip on reality and life, his ultimate guidance, comes from a book of often self contradicting and factually discredited texts. We are a nation led by a religious fundamentalist in a deathlock with other religious fundamentalists.

This must stop. Idealogical wars rarely ever end. They just have extended "time outs." I'd like to call a time out and give folks a little while to grow up a bit and leave their security blankets with Goodwill.

(See? It all tied back into that first lame analogy.)

Fox Faith, "Thr3e" and Nun-sploitation

Personally, I'm glad Fox Faith is producing stuff like the new horror movie "Thr3e." It's about time somebody exploited the Christian right market. Goodness knows, historically speaking Christians have seen fit to exploit everyone else throughout the world. But make no mistake, the Fox Corps is doing just that, exploiting people.

The Fox Faith division is using the guise of a "Christian message" as a tool to market weak, under budgeted and poorly made films. Does anyone really think a film of this substandard quality would have gotten the big promotional push it has from a major media machine unless there was a cynical marketing hook?

As far as a "Christian Horror" movie goes... well, I thought we'd been watching one every time we turned on the news and saw a Bush press conference or footage from Iraq. And let's not forget the classics, like the Crusades (it was a popular series), the Spanish Inquisition (kind of like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" if Regis sodomized all of the contestants to death with a branding iron) or the Colonization of the African Continent. That last one was the original "blaxploitation."

If this faith based horror thing goes well, I think we can expect to see a lot more films like it being sold to the Walmart shopping crowd. With the popularity of a movie titled "Black Christmas," why not a horror movie called "Easter: Look Who's Rising Now"? Or maybe a Jewish themed horror movie, "Hannu-KILL."

Just wait for Fox Faith to start using other genre's to exploit the devout. I think the one we're all waiting for is Christian themed porn. I can just see it, a whole new genre: "nun-sploitation." How about "Trinity: A Holy Gang Bang." She's taking on the Father, the Son and the Holy Cross football team."

Yup, this Fox Faith thing is a masterstroke.

Career Tips

Practice career skills anyway you can. You never know when a personal assistant gig will open up. This fella now works for David Geffen.