"Now Serving Number Four?"

Pamela Anderson Lee- Rock- Soloman- TBD? has just divorced the third man in her quest to work all the way down Hollywood's list of highest risk blood donors. She was granted an annlument of her two month vagina-rental to former Paris Hilton videographer, Rick Soloman. Anderson requested the annulment on the grounds of fraud. What said fraud was has not been disclosed but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with Rick promising to "Love, honor and respect her acting ability."

Soloman is of course, best known for being both the penis from Paris Hilton's sex tape and the dick who sold it. Who would have thought that this marriage made in celebrity sex scandal heaven would implode so quickly? Well, everyone apparently but Pam and well, me. I had it lasting twelve weeks in the office pool.

To Anderson's credit, although she sees her divorce attorneys more often than her feet, she is getting better in her choice of men. She has gone from marrying a rich, sleazy, drunk guy who beats her up, to a rich, sleazy, drunk guy who beats up other people, to now a rich, sleazy, drunk guy who only video tapes sex with girlfriends and sells it on the internet so he can be richer and sleazier. All anyone can do is learn from their mistakes. I predict that within three more marriages she will have found a nice, normal, rich guy who just wants her to occasionally have sex with wealthy Asian business clients. But that’s me. I’m a romantic.

Winona Ryder Steals More than Our Hearts... Again

Winona Ryder was caught trying to shoplift makeup from a Hollywood pharmacy this week. The items were returned and the store declined to press charges, proving that Winona literally can't get arrested in Hollywood anymore. Not finished yet, Ryder later the same day was suspected of trying to leave CAA with a career in her purse however when security was asked by police for a description they, like the rest of Hollywood, could not really remember what she looked like.

"Danthing Wit Dah Stahth"

Dancing with the Stars has featured Heather Mills, a one legged woman, Marlee Matlin, a profoundly deaf woman and of course Lisa Rinna who was born with a severely under developed sense of shame. Is it me or is this show quickly becoming the Special Olympics of televised celebrity competitions?

Perhaps next year we will see one of the female dance partners sexily slinking to a to a spicy salsa beat while deftly avoiding the puddles of drool that the retarded kid from "Life Goes on" has left on the dance floor. Or if the stars align just right, maybe Michael J. Fox will go off his meds long enough to bust out some involuntary break dancing moves.

I know that was sick and cruel, but I guess that's my point. Is it really that entertaining to watch this or simply a sick fascination? Have we sunk so low as a society that we really enjoy tuning in to watch people struggle at things they clearly were not meant to do? What's next? Playmate week on Jeopardy? Maybe, "NBA Spelling Bee." Another Bonnie Hunt sitcom?

"Starvation is Totally Hot"

Paris Hilton, on tour with her boyfriend Benji's band Good Charlotte, decided to show her humanitarian side by stopping at a South African orphanage long enough to pass out glossy promotional bikini photos of herself to the empoverished waifs. She visited with the children and offered sage wisdom telling one malnourished five year old "You are totally the perfect weight right now but watch the gruel. Those Red Cross dudes are totally pushing carbs." Comforting another child so sick that she could not even keep food down Hilton told her "I know it doesn't feel like it now, but if you live to be a teenager you are going to realize how totally lucky you are." I smell a premise: "Simple Life- Ethiopia."

Hollywood Actresses Get Slightly Less Plastic

A company called "Pipedream Products" has introduced a line of celebrity blow-up love dolls featuring likenesses of Eva Longoria, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Pamela Anderson, J Lo, Paris Hilton, Tori Spelling and Christina Aguilera. The owner of the company apparently got the idea for the plastic dolls after watching Alba's perfomance in "Good Luck Chuck." He said " I saw what she was doing on screen and thought, 'I can make an injection molded product that can convey more convincing emotion than that.' So, he did.

The hottest selling item? The Pamela Anderson toy that appears to be doing very brisk sales at Guitar Center. One salesman commented on why they carry the blow-up likeness of Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels and Kid Rock's former squeeze. "We sell training books and metronomes to help them practice what you you do to become a famous. These dolls will help them practice for what you're doing when your not famous anymore."

Perhaps the most interesting of the dolls is the "Sarah Jessica Porkher" which promises "Sex in the Shitty." Because the doll not only looks like Sarah Jessica Parker but it comes accessorized with a Blow-up closeted, broadway star husband for her to go back to when your done.

Plans are in the works to release a life size dolls of Lara Flynn Boyle and Mary Kate Olsen that would not require inflation at all.

Exhibit 'A' From Britney's Custody Battle Leaked